I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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