i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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