Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize