Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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