So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
