if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
