I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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