And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
