and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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