Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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