Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
