i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize