Moan for me like Helen Keller
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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