The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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