I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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