I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
