Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
