after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
