If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
