mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
