Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
