I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
