but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize