Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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