so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
