I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
