i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
