The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
