Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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