What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
