It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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