I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
