I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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