You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
