I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
