someone threw a dead crab at me
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
