Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
