There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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