No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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