dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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