I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
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