Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
