Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
