isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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