I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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