also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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