Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize