I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
