When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
