If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
They took my balls.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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