Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
