Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
what day is it and did you see me today?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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