i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
