Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
