I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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