dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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