Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
What a dumb baby whore.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
