I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
