Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize