thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
My liver just had a heart attack.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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