There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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