Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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