Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
