waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
