I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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