your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
