Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Randomize
