The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize