what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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