im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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